Time for an update. I am not going to tell you what I have
been up to, but believe me it’s been a lot (alright then, in bird’s eye view: sitting
in on 15 classes in my first week of school, cooking and shopping for a family
of 16+, exploring as much as I could of the 7300 acre (30 km2)
campus on my flashy new road bike, wandering into rooms and kitchens to get to
know dozens of new people, sharing my room with two other new girls and bonding
over our rookie-ness, visiting a dozen new cafes and restaurants, learning to
juggle, watching squirrels, and many first-times: the first garden party, the
first egg from our own chickens, my first party at the Tricoops, my first
house- and Tricoops meeting, etc etc). But I wasn’t going to tell you about
this. Instead, let me tell you what it means to me.
Before I left, when I talked to people who had gone on
exchange, many of them spoke of it as the best time of their life. It
intimidated me, and I could only hope that my time here would be half as good
as what those people made theirs out to be. But now I’m here, and I can honestly
say that I, too, am having the time of my life, and I think I know why.
It’s got to do with that blank slate feeling, the freedom
that comes with it, and the temporality of this life here.
Novelty
This novelty of everything
here is the sensation that stands out most of everything. I’ve felt it many
times now, in different forms. I felt it when I saw land come into sight below
me on my way here, when I emerged from underground with the train in San
Francisco, on New Year’s Eve when I stood there with empty hands, blissfully,
when I walked onto campus a week and a half ago, into an uncharted world that I
knew was going to steal my heart, and I see it every day, in everyone’s eyes
here. My empty gaze sees so much more
than I would see on familiar terrain. I feel like a baby, and it’s such a
delight to drink in the new sunlight, all the colors, new words and gestures, and
all those beautiful faces (did you take a proper look at the humans around you
today, they are so beautiful!).
And apart from their novelty, these people are so incredible
because of they are. Every day I’m coming home to a community of over 40 people
that live here, with always a few extra bumming around, that hang out on the
porch, hula hoop in the sun to blaring hip hop beats, study around the dining
table, congregate in the kitchen, working in the garden… And they just open up
to me, welcome me in, love me as I come, without even knowing me. Can you
believe that I am just falling head over heels in love with this new world? I
am mad in love with over 15 people already, and all I want is dive into all
this, no reservations. I have nothing to lose, because I came in clean and
empty, a blank slate, empty hands, open eyes.
Our house, the Davis Student Coop
Freedom
But this time, I am conscious of the life emerging around
me, unlike the life I grew into at home. And I am so ready for it this time. I
feel such freedom. I feel strong, independent and fully capable of taking this
life of mine in my own hands and start steering it. And I can do so unbound by
the relations and commitments and claims on my time and energy of those at
home, however much I love them and want them all to be there when I get back, I
am now free to take this life wherever, and feels so GOOD. All the credits for
that go to Spencer, for his trust in me and our strong relationship, to my mom,
who has the deepest understanding one could ever ask for of the necessity and
bliss of freedom for this venture, my dad, who has come to believe in my
autonomy, and all their big hearts.
My roommates, also both new, talk of being overwhelmed by it
all. I think I’m in a better position: to me, not only this crazy-ass living
environment is new, but this whole continent, everything here is entirely new to me. I had expected nothing less
than being completely overwhelmed, and so I was ready for the wave to hit me.
What’s more, I can make myself fully available to it. I have no other
friendships here that demand maintenance, so I have the freedom to be a full
part of all this whenever I want to, and I can also fully withdraw if I need
some alone time. But apart from being ready and available for it, I actively
seek it out. I am here, eagerly taking in all the new impressions and people
and experiences that wash over me, and I just want more more more of it,
relishing every second of it.
Our bedroom. My bed in the left bottom corner
Temporality
The fact that I can’t get enough of it, and that it doesn’t
seem to tire or overwhelm me too much, is thanks to that other special lining
to this big adventure. The horizon that was always going to be perpetually in
sight. I am at any point so aware of the transience of my time here. And while
it could make me sad and unwilling to commit, instead it makes all this novelty
so vivid, that I cannot think of a time where I felt more alive. You see I am a
thinker, and as such a regular victim to being yanked right out of life, and
looking at it from the sidelines. Not here. Never have I felt such an integral,
vibrant part of life. And that in such a sunny, powerful, colorful existence. I
am here, strong and free, to absolutely maximize my time here, dive into it
deeper than I ever have before, because I have nothing to lose, everything to
gain, and the time is now.
And beside all this, I was born for communal living. I have
never been in a better place and a better fit. I’m very very happy here.
Stephanie
My first garden party
Eating together
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